SHAME

Shame.
I’ve been told that if I just let you go, then I could let go.
Let loose. Have fun.
I’ve been guilted for feeling you.
As if you Dear Shame, are shameful yourself. 
As if you Shame, are a broken record forced to eternally repeat, replay.
A deranged hamster wheel, anxiously and avoidantly running.
Instead of my resting and getting to know why you are here, why you stay.

Shame.
Whenever I split myself in two.
I always stumble backwards right into you.
I fear I will fall apart if I truly face you.
I fear I won’t forgive myself, so I abandon your truth.

But Shame,
You keep knocking louder and louder.
It’s time to listen to you.
It’s time to face this shadow
And own myself in full technicolor view.

So Shame.
I’m not gonna stuff you under the covers.
I’m not gonna pretend everything is ok.
I’m not gonna write lists of everything I’m grateful for.
In hope that you’ll just go away.
I’m not gonna pray all day.
Admonishing myself for being human, for straying.
Because I always end up in the same place.
Instead of listening to what you have to say
Inside this mortal cage.

Shame.
You reside in my subconscious, deep inside
You are all the things that I was told to hide.
You are suppression played out in a debaucherous dance
Where blame, guilt and fear throw caution to the wind and leave everything to chance.

Shame.
You seep out like lava, the earth’s inner fire 
Which incessantly escapes, oozing in this liminal mire.
You are the icy road that has salt poured on it.
A slippery surface over which we play pretend.
Polarizing ourselves in a battle against what we have disowned
Stoking the fire unknowingly.
A secret death wish for the end.

Shame.
The failed antidote is to throw the first stone.
The stone that ricochets back this way. 
The eyes that quickly dart away, the false intimacy.
The confusion masked behind the pain.
The confusion that feels scarily close to being insane.

Shame.
I’m gonna face you.
I’m gonna sew myself up the middle and claim my wholeness again. 
Shame.
I’m gonna embrace you.
All-dirtied-up-with-your-mud- all-over-my-face kinda face to facing.

Shame.
I’m gonna sink my teeth into your teachings
And let myself out of this decrepit cage.
No more pacing
No more punishing.
No more chasing 
No more of the great turning away.

For Shame,
Together we are gonna open that rusty locked door.
We are gonna step out into the big spacious world.
My eyes wide open, my discernment strong to the core.
I’m gonna shake hands with you once and for all.
Even as you slowly dissolve.
Even as I watch you fall
With both hands on my heart and  
And a sharpened resolve.
NOW
With both hands on my heart
And the sharpest of resolve.

-Joanna R Fassl, 9/11/2019